The Goatman Has Returned To Maryland Once Again…To Watch Teenagers Make Out
When asked about the Goatman of Prince George’s County, most Marylanders (myself included) either roll their eyes or pretend to have no idea what you’re talking about.
But recently, local Baltimore station WBAL-TV has been receiving reports that the Goatman is back! Or at least people think they’ve seen him prowling around Laurel, Maryland, which also happens to be my town. Perfect.
Earlier this month, Baltimore’s WBAL-TV received two tips about the return of the infamous Goatman, which is arguably the goofiest minor cryptid in America.
Both reports come from Montpelier Park in the town of Laurel, which is the home of the semi-noteworthy Montpelier Mansion.
Supposedly, this historical house is where three separate presidents — George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Woodrow Wilson — rested as they passed through Maryland back in the day. But I digress.
The legend of the Goatman holds that a scientist at the nearby USDA Agricultural Research Center in Beltsville somehow fused his DNA with a goat’s.
Like the crappiest supervillain ever, basically.
Now the Goatman stalks the forests of Prince George’s County with his axe. His victims tend to be teenagers who park on the side of the road to get busy, only to hear a cloven hoof knocking on the window.
Adolescent canoodling really gets his goat.
I can’t remember the last time the Goatman was supposedly spotted, but I feel like we as a state should be commended for not bringing up this backwoods conspiracy theory for at least a few years, right? Welcome back, Goatman!